This is a really brilliant portrayal of generalised anxiety disorder. Having suffered myself and also practiced as a psychotherapist for 12 years supporting others with their mental health, I’ve studied the subject from every angle. I think that just as with depressive illness, anxiety disorders (generalised, social, OCD etc…) are usually a perfect storm of genetics, generational legacy, environment and personality. Learning to live with anxiety requires acceptance that it’s just a part of who you are, then finding ways to modify or minimise symptoms as much as possible. Whether that’s therapy or medication or both, there’s absolutely no shame in either.
I think we may be the same person! Clomiperamine is my happy pill of choice. Just enough to take the edge off. I cannot remember ever NOT being a nervous wreck!
Really enjoyed this Flic. Thank you. Citalopram saved my bacon too after years of kicking against 'taking anything'. I'm no longer on it but it helped me through a very difficult year.
Wow, this is a mirror image of my life! Thanks for putting it so expertly into words… I struggle even more as these things are still not really talked about where I live (in Italy) so it’s very isolating. Thank goodness for people like you sharing their stories 😊
It’s as though this is a story of my life.. pretty much a disaster!! In later years, hrt has helped quieten some of the most intrusive thoughts, particularly at bedtime. And being very active in nature helps a lot.
I’ve not taken the pharmaceutical route yet.. but I will make a note of the name of it and when I return to the ‘real world’ (job hunting beckons soon) after a3 year hiatus .. I may very well need some additional help .
Thank you for your story.. Is good to know I’m not alone.
Flic, I saw your name in a recommended list and remembered your writing in the Guardian from years back which I loved and have missed, so am delighted to have discovered you are in the Substack sphere. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. There really is no 'happy ending,' as you say, but perhaps an chance at hope that the ups will counterbalance the downs. While I may not be able to choose to live without anxiety, I can choose to stay hopeful, pop the Sertraline and press on. Much admiration, and I look forward to reading more of your newsletters. x
Such brave and candid writing Flic. So much resonated, especially your anxious rituals as a child. I did those too and bargained with I don’t know who .. “if I can run there in 10 seconds then x won’t happen”. It’s an exhausting way to live. I’m so glad you found your way to navigate it. Thanks for a great read. Keep well x
This brought back many memories from my childhood. The fear of someone dying - I had to repeat the same mantra to my parents every night before going to bed - night night, see you in the morning, sweet dreams - my reasoning was that neither they nor I could die overnight because God wouldn’t make me a liar.
I had the same issues going to sleep, a real panic about existing and I’d chant ‘I am me’ to myself to make myself feel real. I couldn’t sit on the top of a double decker bus in case it tipped over going round a bend.
My technique for cutting down worries was a major visualisation involving putting the bad thought in a lead lined box, boring a hole to the centre of the earth - lowering the box, and then all sorts to fill in the hole and a hill of earth on top of that with trees and sheep and primroses. It was so boring having to do this every time it reduced my negative thoughts massively.
I’m still like you though (post a few years on Citalopram) worrying about my now 25year old daughter getting home at night in London
Thank you for this. I see so much of myself in it, it's almost unnerving!
This is a really brilliant portrayal of generalised anxiety disorder. Having suffered myself and also practiced as a psychotherapist for 12 years supporting others with their mental health, I’ve studied the subject from every angle. I think that just as with depressive illness, anxiety disorders (generalised, social, OCD etc…) are usually a perfect storm of genetics, generational legacy, environment and personality. Learning to live with anxiety requires acceptance that it’s just a part of who you are, then finding ways to modify or minimise symptoms as much as possible. Whether that’s therapy or medication or both, there’s absolutely no shame in either.
I hear you x
A great read, Flic. Such a debilitating thing, anxiety.
I think we may be the same person! Clomiperamine is my happy pill of choice. Just enough to take the edge off. I cannot remember ever NOT being a nervous wreck!
Really enjoyed this Flic. Thank you. Citalopram saved my bacon too after years of kicking against 'taking anything'. I'm no longer on it but it helped me through a very difficult year.
Wow, this is a mirror image of my life! Thanks for putting it so expertly into words… I struggle even more as these things are still not really talked about where I live (in Italy) so it’s very isolating. Thank goodness for people like you sharing their stories 😊
It’s as though this is a story of my life.. pretty much a disaster!! In later years, hrt has helped quieten some of the most intrusive thoughts, particularly at bedtime. And being very active in nature helps a lot.
I’ve not taken the pharmaceutical route yet.. but I will make a note of the name of it and when I return to the ‘real world’ (job hunting beckons soon) after a3 year hiatus .. I may very well need some additional help .
Thank you for your story.. Is good to know I’m not alone.
Flic, I saw your name in a recommended list and remembered your writing in the Guardian from years back which I loved and have missed, so am delighted to have discovered you are in the Substack sphere. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. There really is no 'happy ending,' as you say, but perhaps an chance at hope that the ups will counterbalance the downs. While I may not be able to choose to live without anxiety, I can choose to stay hopeful, pop the Sertraline and press on. Much admiration, and I look forward to reading more of your newsletters. x
Such brave and candid writing Flic. So much resonated, especially your anxious rituals as a child. I did those too and bargained with I don’t know who .. “if I can run there in 10 seconds then x won’t happen”. It’s an exhausting way to live. I’m so glad you found your way to navigate it. Thanks for a great read. Keep well x
It’s a great piece. Anxiety seems to be the curse of our age. I recognise that dread and I see it also in loved ones.
This brought back many memories from my childhood. The fear of someone dying - I had to repeat the same mantra to my parents every night before going to bed - night night, see you in the morning, sweet dreams - my reasoning was that neither they nor I could die overnight because God wouldn’t make me a liar.
I had the same issues going to sleep, a real panic about existing and I’d chant ‘I am me’ to myself to make myself feel real. I couldn’t sit on the top of a double decker bus in case it tipped over going round a bend.
My technique for cutting down worries was a major visualisation involving putting the bad thought in a lead lined box, boring a hole to the centre of the earth - lowering the box, and then all sorts to fill in the hole and a hill of earth on top of that with trees and sheep and primroses. It was so boring having to do this every time it reduced my negative thoughts massively.
I’m still like you though (post a few years on Citalopram) worrying about my now 25year old daughter getting home at night in London
Thank you for putting into words what is so hard to put into words. My sympathies to you - I’ve walked a similar road.
And that recipe looks delish - will def be making that for dinner sometime soon.